Vinyl Wankers – 4 / The Kardashian Effect
Today we focus on a mainly female issue related to an expression I have recently heard for the first time: the ‘sexy vinyl celebrity / personality’. This issue is not discussed because it has become kinda politically incorrect to criticize women and mothers nowadays, since somehow they collectively have become these Virgin Mary-figures again no matter what they do. Thank God I am not concerned with any gender sensitivities and dogmas, so I will tell you how it is!
For some years now we have a vinyl revival and that is a good thing: this beautiful format deserves it and records that we craved for for years are being re-issued during this revival (just not Cure’s ‘Wish’). But it has its annoying aspects too, one of them being that is has become a hype by now, with stupid excesses like the Record Store Day that paired with Discogs and Amazon Prime delivery push vinyl collecting into a completely fetishized and consumerist direction. Vinyl collecting and record collecting in general is not only for the loyalist fans anymore who never could live without records even if it meant to steal them, but it has become a lifestyle for some, a hip way to spend your money on. In our times of algorithmic existentialism it naturally means that it has also become a way to show off and distinguish yourselves on social media under hashtags such as #vinylcommunity, even if it means to change your taste in music to become fashionable.
And another thing has happened: where do all the female vinyl collectors come from? Suddenly record stores are flooded with girls and women going through the bins, and while you wonder at first, that is a good thing. I rather wonder why it was not always like this, since music is the most democratic of all art forms. But paired with social media this newly awakened female interest can have disturbingly narcissistic effects.
I call it the Kardashian-effect.
Don’t get me wrong- as with every vinyl-wanker-type, we are not talking about a majority here. Most of the female collectors are okay, they love music, show their records, talk about them, connect with other collectors. But some of them are horrible, and they’re getting more and more, exposing themselves and nurturing a perverted system that they are part of.
It all starts with the selfie. With vinyl, we have a format that is perfect for displaying beautiful cover-art, but it is obviously not enough- these people have to squeeze their faces into the picture because they have to be on a par with this art. I am talking about the women who spend time on their make-up, hair and outfits for the perfect picture; who smile into the camera unnaturally or trying to look sexy, or even just casual when they are obviously not- it’s all just fake and we know it. The annoying thing is that the vinyl just becomes an alibi to show their faces, it’s the same old vanity: ‘I’m beautiful. Look at me.’ Really, it could be a blender that they’re holding in their hands and it would make no difference.
Some of them go further, it’s not just their faces anymore, but they display their bodies: Legs, feet, even tits and ass and their lingerie, pretending that all of this is not happening because they don’t talk about it and are holding a record in their hands. It’s surreal and makes you wanna scream „The emperor is naked!“ as with most symptoms of our times.
? 
Lionel Ritchie on the wall
Holding the record. Now that is a good topic. You always know a true vinyl lover when you see one: groping it as if it was a bottle of shampoo and leaving a fine set of fingerprints and scratches on the surface. Other sleeveless records will be shattered and arranged around them, preferably on their beds with fur blankets to put the proper amount of much-needed fur and dust on the record. But again: all of this is not happening, it is all about the music.
Not all of these vinyl portraits of Sexy Vinyl Celebrities have to be sexy alone, though. Some of them play more into the emotionalized personal grievance à la Oprah Winfrey, with the women telling us strangers about the tales and dramas of their lives, unasked for. They tell us about their illnesses, about their moods, about their virtues, their scars in life, and in conclusion they are warriors in making the public discourse even more irrelevant in times reigned by chaos. Then they do what they always do, searching their likes and empowering each other to create a parallel universe in which they pretend that all of this okay, that it’s something positive even, and they do it until this parallel universe becomes our common sense. It’s like fake news.
But the truth is that these women are playing celebrity in their mundane homes and are not aware of how sad this is. SAD. It’s like peeping into the room of a 12 year-old girl who is dreaming of being a star, only that the doors are not closed anymore in our times. You don’t have to show much effort or put yourself at risk to be a voyeur nowadays. You see coffee cups, sockets, shabby furniture and other trivial props in the background that enhance the disturbing effect of this more or less erotic performance which reveals itself as a regressive dream displaying an adult self-centredness and modern loneliness that is hard to endure.
It’s next level: by now we are not talking about b- or c-celebrities anymore, but we have to invent an entirely new alphabet to categorize these individuals. They’re following a shallow celebrity-cult and the false freedom of permissiveness that they were promised, but they’re worse than their ’empowering’ pioneers: I respect Kim Kardashian and her likes more because they are making money with this, loads of money. But our ladies’ pictures you can have for free, and without any male demon in the background exploiting them. Somebody recently asked me about 5 things that I hate. One of my answers was: „That most of us are so cheap.“
Now you will ask me why I can’t just ignore it- I try to, but I believe in the responsibility of the individual in fucking up human dignity and society overall. It makes no sense to object on abstract forces only. I object on individuals selling off our privacy so cheaply, which in the bigger picture reflects an acceptance of states and corporations taking our privacies away on a much larger scale. Remember Grimm’s tale of the Sleeping Beauty, who is paralyzed and sleeping for one hundred years, passive about the things that are happening around her, but oh so perfectly arranged- although you’ll get stung by thorns if you come close to her.
Yes, thoughtless and narcissistic Sexy Vinyl Wankers have their share on watering down and lowering the intellectual level of public discourse, they have their share on fucking up all privacy, intimacy, introspection, and grace. They are all guilty of being advocates and architects of the great nothingness we are doomed to live in, so I make use of my responsibility to stand up in the middle of a chaotic and destructive storm and raise my voice „Stop! You are not alone. I do not want this!”. And I am not alone.
And to put the vinyl back in wankers again, I object to people trying to take the record away from the artists and making it about themselves, fucking up music culture aesthetically and morally- so at least put the vinyl record away when you feel the need to show yourself the next time for fucks sake. I already can’t look at several record covers anymore because I connect them to certain faces, crotches and disturbing sceneries. As an absolutely passionate music fan, this feels nothing but satanic to me.
by Saliha Enzenauer
(Read all Vinyl Wankers episodes here)
You nailed it. I agree completely.
“And remember, keep vinyl weird!*…so here’s a music video I’ve made* for a song that already has a music video* where I’m going to be the centre of attention instead of the band* and pretend to play the guitar* that I’ve just bought especially for this video* instead of actually learning to play it* because I’m the artist here not the band*”
*what the fuck, you strangest of cunts
While I hate female objectification as much as the next woman with a shred of dignity, I have to ask, “What about the men?” I see plenty of men on social media taking vinyl selfies. Granted, they’re typically not semi-nude, but most of them are clearly posing. If you’re going to judge women for this behavior, I think it’s only fair to hold men just as accountable.
It’s very simple why: Because I don’t have to do that. You point out yourself that both cases are different. That men are doing this in another manner, not semi-nude, and that it is a much more marginal phenomenon in male behaviour. So why should I mix these things together- in order to secure some fake balance and equality? Better to be specific, especially when you’re judging. If I wanna judge certain stupid things that men are doing, they’ll get their own article, and got so in the past. I don’t have to relate and compare everything in a ying and yang way, it just waters every debate down.
Thanks for taking the time to comment! -Saliha
I keep coming back to this. How brilliant! Best article ever written.
You really summarized ways I already felt, yet didn’t fully articulate in my own mind. I hadn’t given it as much thought, however have made a mental note many times when seeing certain vinyl chicks posts. It’s cheap, and downright blasphemous to include yourself in the photo, narcissistically placing yourself on the level of these great artists. I’ve also made the same correlation of them likely taking well over an hour in preparation to make the perfect photo, all to display themselves next to music that entirely speaks for itself. You took it to the next level, and entirely true, is that they are actually lowering the quality of music communities on a social level, something we are trying improve. Sex is ubiquitous, and is one thing if being portrayed by the artist themselves, because that’s their choice. It’s not up to a third party who has no affiliation whatsoever with the artist to disingenuously place themselves among the music, all for trivial benefit of a little attention. Great article, and these wankers deserve to be called out.
Thank you for reading, Charles. Blasphemous is one perfect word here, emphasizing on the insult against the artist really. Sometimes it hurts so much, seeing dignified artists being raped by the cheap narcissism of these ‘record-holders’. Why does Coltrane has to be between a pair of legs in stockings? Damn. I have the feeling that we let so much pass without objecting to it- we all wanna be so open and tolerant- but look in which kind of cultural mess we are living. The absolute low-life. I honestly suffer from this. And then there is the sadness and sense of modern, digital loneliness. What the hell are we doing? I’ll call these things out until the day I die, I don’t wanna be no complice. Thanks for the comment!
So true!!! All too often I see these types of pictures of on Instagram by those wanting more likes. I don’t follow any of those accounts but they are way too common nowadays. And all the selfies with vinyl.. Geez, enough already. Great article, keep them coming Saliha!
Spot on, shared on my Twitter and Facebook!
Excellent episode, I love these Vinyl Wankers posts! Sad phenomenon that you describe.
I like to think the vinyl community is somewhere that we can all retreat to be ourselves and escape all of modern society’s judgements. But maybe that’s because record collecting wasn’t mainstream when I was a kid. Either way, I hate the idea of female (or any) vinylheads who have body triggers getting bombarded by size zero models using vinyl as a vehicle for their modeling.
This is pure gold! Thanks!
Even Lionel lucks embarrassed….
Funny, true and sad.
Oh mate! I,m laughing so much! Love this piece! Those photos! Where on earth did you find them?! Miss Lacy. On her fluffy bed amongst her,dare I say it. “precious vinyl” And my favourite. The desperate housewife. Sat there in her green and turquoise colour coordinated little room with neatly placed 45’s to cover her last threads of dignity. A mirror frame directly behind her giving her a head dress making her look like some naked bird of paradise! Even Lionel looks awkward! Search and Destroy indeed!
Your description of the is perfect, I’m laughing so hard. I mean- that picture. The color coordinated psycho room, The Lionel Ritchie, the boots, the vinyl- somebody lock her up please!
Brilliant! These Vinyl Wankers pieces are nothing but the truth and your writing is extraordinary. I have read all your stories here. I’m a huge fan!
Thank you, Donnie! It’s a wild mix of topics, but I’m glad you enjoy it!