Vinyl Wankers – 2 / Claustrophobia

You wouldn’t think that record stores can be potentially dangerous places- except on Record Store Day, where people tend to beat each other up for the latest hyped limited colored vinyl or picture disc edition. But that is another Vinyl Wankers episode from the future.

No, besides the RSD, record stores can be places where you can develop at least one serious mental illness and anxiety disorder: Claustrophobia.

The situation is always the same: You have a simple, harmless life. You work a lot and have some money left. You collect records. Adding these two informations together, you walk into a record store, excited and happy with the prospect of browsing through all the boxes and records and in the end getting rewarded with one or two great finds that you happily take home. It’s innocent. It’s humble. It’s not too much you are asking for.

But then.

You head to a specific genre or section like ‘New Arrivals’, ‘Post-Punk’, or ‘D’. A guy is already standing there, going through one of the two boxes you wanna look at. Like all of his species, he’s looking around nervously after every third record that he has been going through, checking his left and right with a quick, innate routine. Most of the times he will go through another 2 or 3 records that he is not even looking at while he’s checking up the environment, noticing you coming closer. It’s not accuracy that drives him.

There are three steps left until you reach the box of records, but within these three steps the man magically moved further towards it, obstrusively as if he’s letting out a silent fart or pissing in a public pool in a manner that’s visible for all but him, and he is now covering half of the box with his body. He doesn’t want you to go through it although he is still busy going through his own box.

You squeeze yourself in next to him, expecting that he would move away a bit, but obviously he is confusing you for a towel. Your shoulders and hips touch while you try to go through the records, and you look at him, but now he is looking straight ahead obstinately, pretending to not notice you at all. You ask yourself if he’s about to hypnotize the records that he’s going through, when you finally say: „Excuse me- could you step aside a bit? I wanna go through these records.“

You can be lucky if he mumbles something like ‘sorry’ before he makes place and you can finally go through the records. But now you can be sure that two things will happen in an inavoidable streak of double-edged assholery this guy has set off.

1. while you are going through the records, you feel completely observed. The guy is not paying attention to his records anymore, but stretching to see which records you are looking through. He can’t help it- it always tastes better somewhere else.
2. the guy has finished going through his box now and standing still, looking at you. He wants to bully you away from there. He wants to lure you away from the first press of some very, very rare record that must be in there for a price of 50 cents – there is no other explanation for his behaviour.

Now you’ve had enough. It’s not exactly Michael Douglas in ‘Falling Down’, but you get angry now and wanna pay back. So you slow down and go through the stack of records increeeeeeeeeeeeeeedibly slowly. Pulling out every second record and diligently inspecting its cover and all that’s written on the back cover as if the secret code of the universe or illuminati were written on it. By now the guy did a step back as if he wants to finish you off from behind, wanting only to intimidate.

You’re observing him from the corner of your eye though. The air is tense and the instincts sharpened. Like a predator you perceive the tiniest bit of change and movement, and so it happens when the next record pulls up- let’s say it’s a middle attractive pressing of any Velvet Underground record. You already own it in a tip-top pressing and don’t need it. Yet you know that this guy behind you wants this record, even though he tries to hide it. So you pull it out, put it under your arm and continue to go through the stack of records. When after ages you’ve finished, you pull the records back in the box and decide to torture the guy a bit more. You pull the record back from under your arm and have a critical look at it, as if you’re considering whether to buy it or not, pretending to really struggle deciding. You pull the vinyl out and have a deep look at it, pretending to decipher the matrix number. Maybe to destroy the guy you let out a silent ‘wow’, to then confidently walk away with the record.

You go through the store and look at other records, occassionaly meeting the glances of this guy. You find two records that you really want and that truly make you happy now. With three records in your hands you walk to the counter, and ask the clerk to reserve that Velvet Underground record for you. Later will call him and say that you don’t want the record. After paying for the two other records and having a last look at Mr. Claustrophobia, you walk out of the door with a strange taste in your mouth. The happiness and excitement has gone, you feel no joy.

Who is the wanker now?

by Saliha Enzenauer

(Read all Vinyl Wankers episodes here)