Vinyl Wankers – 1 / Collector Assholes

I keep a list of records that I wanna have on vinyl, mainly for the purpose of Christmas and birthdays, to avoid yet another senseless first-world present from my family and friends. But although I have many wishes on my vinyl list, I still get pointless presents such as cooking books, perfumes, or an Amazon Alexa. But that is another topic.

Occassionaly I look at that list before I visit a record store or fleamarket, because I need one or two names to strategically focus on before I go record shopping- endless crate-digging and shopping in general is not my thing. I will have a look at that list, quickly add a few new titles to it, and then pick an artist which I’m in the mood for. Focused like this, I usually find the record I’m looking for within a couple of weeks. Although there were times when it took me 5 months to track down a copy of Duran Duran’s RIO, estranging my traders very much with my strange request, making them overthink their opinion about my taste. In the end, they all started to call me Rio „Oh no, there’s Rio. Hi, Rio!“. I fixed that with a couple of strategic avantgarde and doom purchases though.

Anyway. One day the name I picked from my list was Echo & The Bunnymen, because I only owned their album Crocodiles by then and was especially looking for my favorite record of them, Ocean Rain. I went to the fleamarket with my 3 favorite record stalls, everytime asking „Hi, do you have Echo & The Bunnymen?“ strenuously and automatically before inspecting the post-punk and synth section first, as always. The answers are always the same: “I had some last week” (great for you), “I have just sold one” (I don’t believe you), “No, but I have…” (I haven’t asked for that), “No” (thank you for simplicity), or sometimes a very proud “Yes”. I’m often disappointed when I hear a ‘yes’ though. One time I found Primal Scream’s Evil Heat after the first time I asked for it, it was a bit disappointed to be satisfied so quickly. It all seemed way too easy to me, and so I passed- I know. I am a complex creature.

So I am looking for Echo & The Bunnymen. With me there was just another man at the stall that I had never seen before, one of these guys who involve the seller in an endless conversation on every single record they pull out. See, I like to talk about music too, but these types always rather annoyed me since the very first day that I started to collect records. The poor sellers can’t flee nowehere, but are nailed down and doomed to listen to these guys who often don’t even buy anything. But not just the sellers, also you as a buyer get your share when these types are standing next to you, constantly searching contact and a reaction when showing you the records they are just looking at: “Oh man, Led Zeppelin 2- it rocks!!” or “Zappa. Do you like Zappa?” (the most notorious and annoying usage of only the surname of an artist- fuck) and so on and so on.

So this tiny guy next to me overheard my question and looked at me dismissively, his lips forming a scoffing smile, to then say with a disgustingly jovial tone:

„I didn’t know that Echo & The Bunnymen were ‘in’ again.“

Which can only mean :

• You’re a hipster buying stuff that’s hip
• You’re a woman or too young to like them
• I am the only true fan of them / they belong to me
• I am a truer fan of music than you are
• I can’t shut up
• I am a wanker

First image flashing up in my mind: Taking off this guys glasses and crushing them slowly under my shoes.

Being honest and true disarms people, so in 99% of the cases my reaction would have been one serious look at this greasy microbe and a simple and honest answer „No, I like them since I’m 16 and I steal / buy records since I’m 8“. But sometimes you just go blank or are in a retarded daily form. You don’t even know what to say, because suddenly you feel all the weight of an universe of complete annoyance on your shoulders, leaving you endlessly fatigue. You don’t think that the person provoking you is worth even one second of the good lesson that you could teach him, and you keep all the sophisticated answers that you hide inside of you like sleeping bombs for yourself.

So I just said „Fuck off you asshole“ in a most primitive and bored way and by all means avoided to grant him a look, still browsing through my records. It felt good. I heard him rant and complain weakly, but I heard him through a thick cloud of cotton, and he was invisible. A muted Chipmunk in slow-motion. I smiled dreamily~

by Saliha Enzenauer

(Read all Vinyl Wankers episodes here)