Hall of Shame: Fiona Apple – Fetch The Bold Cutters (2020)

Jann Wenner’s boring biography Sticky Fingers is still an astonishing read because it is eye opening about the fact on how his Rolling Stone distilled and defined music history and basically laid down the rock canon with simultaneous corporate help from radio stations and major labels. The RS critics’ darlings were elevated into (super)star status in obscure and non-independent acts of curation. For their readers, and especially all the many non-readers, that meant to turn on the radio and suck it up or die.

Nothing really changed except for the fact that the gatekeepers of media promotion and success seem to be more stingy and corporate than ever. Devoid of eclectic taste and detached from any independent spirit or true music scene, they are content writers of finely calibrated yet always off-the-shelf trend studies from PR agencies.

I would never write about Fiona Apple, given the fact that the musicians I cover at the Hall of Shame column usually have at least a handful of tracks or a certain period in their careers that I appreciate. I cannot say that about Regina Spektor, excuse me, Fiona Apple. But since her album Fetch the Bolt Cutters topped almost every single “Best Albums of 2020” list compiled by the usual suspects in mainstream music publication, I have to address the album as yet another blinding example of the parallel-wordly endorsements of mediocre arts critics and their beneficiary critical darlings, all fueled by major-label hype.

I anticipate nothing good but all kinds of bad things when I read a major label press release that talks about „a mercilessly individual album“ , “wild authenticity” and “emotional outbursts”. Sounds like an audition at American Idol to me. And that’s exactly what you get when you hit play on the first song “I Want You To Love Me”. Hard not to die of indifference and ennui, and to listen on after such a first track (I did, unfortunately). It is also hard to not hear Fiona Apple Maggart giving a careful and toned-down rendition of Yoko Ono’s visceral screeching at the end of the track without wondering why it’s considered glorious when Apple does in homeopathic doses and forced quirky poses what Yoko is being mocked and ridiculed for to this day.

But before we talk about the rest of the songs, let’s have a brief look at the album’s artwork and title. Fetch the bolt cutters- for what? To create quirky scrapbook shit like on the album cover? An artwork which is neither fish nor meat but is to be boxed within the new genre of „I drink the overpriced local coffee roasters blend in hipster dishware“- influenced illustration art, topped with a (of course) QUIRKY! portrait detail of an annoying brat with a manic facial expression. Kanye West’s genius cover scribbling „I hate being Bi-Polar it’s awesome“ finds a second home here. Apple’s cover screams „FUN night of red wine and ARRRRT at Fiona’s place“. It’s unpleasant hysteria without a cause.

I know I have promised something else in the beginning of my last paragraph, but I actually have no plans to cover the rest of the music on this QUIRKY album, too boring is the task and too hazardous the idea of even getting into the lyrics (“Maybe she spent her formative years / Dealing with his contentious fears /…/ Well, good morning, good morning / You raped me in the same bed your daughter was born in / Good morning, good morning / Like you know, you should know, but you don’t know”). Instead, I’ll leave the last word to the many actual listeners and fans who have suggested on various forums on the internet how the millennial critics can stuff their free copy of that album up their quirky asses.

by Saliha Enzenauer

In the blind’s kingdom a one eyed man is the King, This year has been so ugly and messy that this overrated opus can appear as a tiny ray of light. There’s nothing inside, just boring effects and not a single good tune. Disturbing. – John Furio

Nope, trying to hard. Not a patch on her first album that was quirky but had melodies. This is just cut-and-paste sound bits in my opinion and The Emperors New cloths when it comes to the 5 star reviews. – Robert Macnamara

Persistently annoying and largely unlistenable. Just tried again. I keep skipping to the next track in hopes that it will get better, and it never does… and I even enjoy Einstürzende Neubauten. – Bri Czarniecki

I hear nothing with staying power. – Don Jr

More than disappointing…..this can’t qualify as music. I loved Fiona Apple’s past works, but this was such a tortuous primal scream that I couldn’t bear listening to it. I tossed it after one self-punishing earful. –Marian Claire

Incredibly overrated album. For graphomaniacs, this album is only another hollow reason to write their rave reviews. – VP

This album is neither experimental nor great. Vocal delivery is the same on nearly every track, same goes for the percussion and instrumentation: it is lounge music. The abrasive parts aren’t even rewarding, because all the non-abrasive parts sound the same. It really doesn’t sound very different from other similar artists (Regina Spektor, Tuneyards, etc). It is getting wide acclaim because it touches on sensitive topics and people are acting like it should be immune from criticism because of that. Other artists have touched on the same topics before, she’s not groundbreaking or ‘experimental’ in that regard. I get that people like it because of the lyrics, but I don’t get why people actually like listening to it because it sounds so boring. I don’t get it. Makes me want to remove my ears with bolt cutters – Matt Gottashitski

I’m sorry, but this gotta be the most overrated album of the year, hands down. It starts off great, but as it progresses towards the end, it ends up getting a bit old and even a bit annoying. There’s some enjoyable, maybe even great moments throughout, but as a whole this just ain’t it. There’s honestly some moments where she sounds like an older and more creative Miley. I can see its appeal- but album of the year? Naw. -Bruhman

Fiona has clearly thrown herself body and soul into this recording and it’s undeniably interesting and striking but, do I enjoy listening to it? A teeny bit, I suppose, but it quickly feels too much: too full on, too much of a sensory overload and, ultimately, too boring.
Lawd knows I love a lot of challenging music, and even pure noise, but this isn’t even that. It’s largely unlistenable and not in a good way. I think she’s going for a sort of Tom Waits Swordfishtrombones (an all time fave btw) type vibe, but it simply doesn’t work.
I suspect from the critics’ perspective this is an Emperors New Clothes scenario. None dare to veer from the party line for fear of looking foolish but, come on, we can all hear what’s going on? It’s a vastly overrated opus in which bold experimentation is applauded at the cost of a clear lack of tunes. I seriously doubt any critics listen to this for pleasure. I’m just trying to think of an occasion where this might be an appropriate record to play. I can’t think of one. You? -Nigey b

Wasted by her manic ramblings and weird ass phrases; saying weird things doesn’t make you quirky. -Kuru

I’m really in the minority here, but there was hardly anything on this album that stood out to me. Music I love the most encapsulates emotion, with forefront melodies really grabbing at the notion of why and how we feel as humans. Fetch the Bolt Cutters feels like the antithesis of this, and eschews any strong emotion in lieu of cacophony, quirk and humour. While I can admire when these elements are scattered throughout a project, 50 minutes of this doesn’t feel warranted, and thus its lyrical themes fail to resonate… In all honesty, it’s not too different from something you’d hear from Big Thief or any other indie offshoot. – DCCXX

I get music is entirely subjective, and I’d never criticise anyone for liking something I didn’t, but man, I really did NOT get the hype around this album. Maybe it’s just not my taste, but it honestly annoyed the hell out of me, there’s not a single song I’d go back and listen to, not once, ever. – Xo Zukuft

The hype fried you guys’ braincells. – dumbmoonlight